The Dietary Guidelines I think I should be following

Eat all the meat and veggies I want. Others may have inordinate urges for those things, but I really don't. If you eat them in approximately equal quantities, you won't be hurting.

I can eat maybe one slice of bread a day, but after that I should avoid bread and anything like it. You can turn all the grains in the world into gasahol [spell-check just gave me the option of changing this to "arsehole"] for all I care. (It still won't be enough to fuel everybody's transportation needs.)

Get two or three fruits and don't fight to get more, but don't turn 'em down either.

Have a couple ounces of dark chocolate.

If I could drink two ounces of red wine a day without either having a bottle around or going to a bar, I would. But I can't be goin' to a liquor store.