I've been looking at a lot of self-published works lately

And I've got to tell you: you're English sucks, you people!  Take a friggin' remedial class.  Or get someone who actually understands the language to do a serious rewrite.

I have defended the occasional ending of a sentence with a preposition, but please don't do it in every sentence!  Have you ever heard of "unnecessary use of the passive voice?"  It's effin' obnoxious!

And some of you need to get out a G*** D*** dictionary and look up the words you use.  Make sure it's a big one, with multiple definitions and examples of the proper usage of each.  You need to do it because you suck and I love you and want you to stop sucking.

Look.  For a reasable fee, I can fix your s*** - those of you who have a good story to tell.  All the stories I'm talking about were great stories, but I just hit the last frickin' straw with this junk here.

Could you possibly try to make it look like a professional was involved?